If I Could….

I wish I had this.

I wish I’d been given a different life.

I might of made different choices, If I had a different childhood. However here I am, an old grumpy dyke with little if any friends anywhere who has the most noble of intentions, who loves helping people, but sadly, also bears the burden of having the biggest mouth with the shortest fuse of anyone I know. I wish I could erasedifferentlife the past be someone different, be… like everyone, straight, married, cookie cutter childhood, a mum and a dad I see live to turn 90 stay married. You see those types in photos on Facebook, I know those types, parents still married, married themselves, working, running companies, having babies, raising kids. I wouldn’t need brothers to love and accept me for who I am because I would be like everyone else, I’d be like them. I’d wear dresses, makeup, be the good baptist old lady my mamaw was. I wouldn’t be full of rage because of what my life started out with, has been or is now. No deaths, no molestation, no being queer, odd, a an outcast, no one laughing at me in school, or starting fights I always ending up being blamed for because I’d be a normal A/B student/athlete/cheerleader/math-geek rather than growing up a dyke in a southern baptist family. Here I am 55 basically a shut-in except the job I love more than anything yet am losing grasp on. I want a do-over God! Or some strong drugs to shut down the unbearable mind talk that is going to cost me everything. If I lose the only normality I have, it will win. The horror of a childhood I had. The strength and bravery it took me to get from ages 12-21-55 will be for nothing. I need a solution, therapy, something, before it is all too late. Maybe if I tore my tongue out and wore blinders but then I would destroy my livelihood, you can’t do customer service if you can’t talk, or see.

Everyday I pray I can keep my mouth shut, stay to myself so none of those who will daily gossip and laugh about how different I am, or lie about something I didn’t do or say will not be in my earshot, or in my eyesight. I so easily get angered by the haters, the ones who judge me by my looks, my age, my orientation.

Or maybe I should open up, let people in, show who I want to be rather than who I’ve been.

One of the first songs I ever really loved was a song from HR Puff-n-Stuff. It was called,  “If I could”. The lyrics went:

If I could, I would be ... 
A balloon that a little kid let go 
Floating through the sky, 
flying free, If I could ... 

If I could, I would be ... 
A giraffe, with my head above the trees 
so at big parades 
I could see, If I could ... 

Jump on one, and two, and three ... Choose to chase a busy bumble bee.
Fire on the mountain, run and see if I'm a fool 

Lady, lady, turn around Lady, lady, turn and touch the ground.. 
Yankee Doodle went to town, and I'll be late for school! 

If I could, I would be ... 
Old & wise, knowing all there is to know 
Then I'd answer right every time, If I could. 

If I could, I would be ... 
A balloon that a little kid let go 
Floating through the sky, 
flying free, If I could ...
video
[If I Could - YouTube video]

and not much has changed I still often wish for a different life. 
'Cept I've lost my innocence a bit I'd say.

[Talk Show Host by Radiohead on YouTube]

Days have passed... finis for now....

Judging Amy: My Response to “Ask Amy”

I know there was a show called that. But that isn’t what I’m writing about today. I read an article recently entitled:

“The Most Amazing ‘Ask Amy’ Response You’ll Ever Read” @ http://tinyurl.com/A-DAarticle

The comments were just about 97% in favour of getting the noose out and stringing up the “horrible sad sister” who wrote in for the advice. Only a couple of us commenters had a differing view. Of course we were instantly re-classified as Trolls for disagreeing with the masses. I read the article differently than most obviously because I immediately wondered why Wendy would want to be included, how she felt she would fit in, why she would want to fit in. See, my brother is the polar opposite of me. Yuppie, Conservative Christian and a Republican to boot. I wouldn’t fit in any more with his group of friends than he would with mine. If he judges me I just shake it off because he’s got a right to how he feels.  Family doesn’t mean siblings have to walk the same path, or be joined at the hip, or even hang out. Family will love you despite their or your failings, belief system, religion, or lack thereof, because real family can’t turn each other away. My brother has helped me so much. Whenever I have been in need he’s there. But I know him, and I know how different we are (not a good vs bad difference). I’d never want to hang out with my brother’s friends, and visa-versa. we fight, make up and I am 100% sure my brother loves me, but I don’t need his approval, his lifestyle advice or to adopt his beliefs. I just need to know he loves me. And I do.

So while I see how this situation can hurt both Wendy who feels unwanted and her sister who feel misunderstood, my real problem is with Amy Dickinson aka “Ask Amy” and her response in this matter. Once I got past the sad sister’s question into the response I really felt that “Ask Amy” seemed awfully “judge-y”. She didn’t know Wendy or details of the two sister’s past relationship so in a way she did a dis-service to all her readers by not suggesting communication and reaffirmation of the sisters love for one another. After all they say with love and communication everything is possible.

I’m not what you would call religious, spiritual yes. But in the past I did my fair share of bible study and if you want to talk true Christianity which is all about loving your fellow human, then we can. Look at what “Ask Amy” wrote, and think about what she could have written.

In one of my comments, I made a statement that wasn’t very well received but I’m not a “Best selling author, nationally syndicated advice columnist or an NPR contributor”. I’m just person who believes advising and being judgmental are two different things. I commented:

“It will be the “pot stirrers” like this columnist in end times who’ll preach Shame, Hatred and Judgement of each other who will turn brother against sister, etc. You won’t find me blindly following that. Will you be?”

Pretty dramatic statement and harsh, I know.  But honestly, as a writer myself, and a Christian (not to mention an adult) reading Ask Amy’s advice, er reply I had inner alarms going off inside. Isn’t this an advice column? I just don’t see that in Ask Amy’s response. What I see is an immature and mostly baseless inference (due to the lack of real details, history and both sides of the story) from the pen of someone who seems alright with proliferating the tension and drama between others.

Think about it…

For an online publication (https://aplus.com) that has a slogan of “Positive Journalism” Ask Amy’s advice that began with, “First, let’s establish that I agree with your sister: You are a horrible person.” wasn’t as much advice, (or positive) as it was a public lynching with the commenters carrying her torch.

lynchmob

EOT

Happy St. Paddy’s!!!

Here are my favourite Irish poems:

That Actor Kiss
by Michael Hartnett

I kissed my father as he lay in bed
in the ward. Nurses walked on soles of sleep
and old men argued with themselves all day.
The seven decades locked inside his head
congealed into a timeless leaking heap,
the painter lost his sense of all but grey.
That actor kiss fell down a shaft too deep
to send back echoes that I would have prized—
‘29 was’ 41 was ‘84,*
all one in his kaleidoscopic eyes
(he willed to me his bitterness and thirst,
his cold ability to close a door).
Later, over a drink, I realised
that was our last kiss and, alas, our first.

———————died 3 Oct 1984

Taken from Collected Poems 2001 Gallery Press- (Collection reprinted 2009)

*’29 year of death of Michael’s Grandfather- ’41 year of Michael’s birth- ’84 year of his fathers death.

‘When all the others were away at Mass’
by Seamus Heaney


When all the others were away at Mass
I was all hers as we peeled potatoes.
They broke the silence, let fall one by one
Like solder weeping off the soldering iron:
Cold comforts set between us, things to share
Gleaming in a bucket of clean water.
And again let fall. Little pleasant splashes
From each other’s work would bring us to our senses.

So while the parish priest at her bedside
Went hammer and tongs at the prayers for the dying
And some were responding and some crying
I remembered her head bent towards my head,
Her breath in mine, our fluent dipping knives–
Never closer the whole rest of our lives.

From New Selected Poems 1966-1987 © Estate of Seamus Heaney

Good LORDE!

So I really like Lorde a lot.

I like her style and the fact her parents (one of which is a published poet) taught her to think for herself. I also find it interesting on how she appears to have a wee obsession with royalty, regalia and history of various monarchs. When asked what her favourite royal story was, she replied that the shooting of the Romanov family was. Her lyrics are fresh and sort of remind me of some of my Rock heroes like Patti Smith. In fact, I’d love seeing Lorde sing Patti’s song “Pissing in a River” (see below)

In case you live on Mars and haven’t heard any Lorde yet, here ya go:

Who That Makes Ya Go Hmmmmm!

My Silence Conspiracy Theory Suspicion

Anyone notice how much the Capaldi Doctor looks a bit like one of the Silence??

just-sayn

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clearly something is amiss.. Look at his ‘intro’ closer. He even moves like a Silence! Anyway, I wrote a poem/did some artwork concerning my theory suspicions…..

1526820_10202237070583178_1252108292_n

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EOT (for now)

 

WEEKLY PHOTO CHALLENGE: ILLUMINATION

illumination

Daily Prompt: 32 Flavors

Vanilla, chocolate, or something else entirely?

Speaking of something else entirely.  I had a cat named David. He and I were very close. I swear he could read my mind sometimes. He was like my own child. my boy for 17 years. I still joke about how he was my longest ever relationship which usually draws looks from those who don’t know me and laughs from those that do. 

We started out living in Houston, TX (since at that time I believed I would never leave my hometown) then we moved to Laurel, Maryland because I’d got an IT job in Bethesda. The oddest thing about Maryland was what they chose to name their hardware store. Not something easy like Home Depot, or Lowes, but Heckinger’s. I had a girlfriend and we did a lot of gardening and landscaping our yard so we went there often.. The trips to Heckinger’s were some of the silliest outings me and my girlfriend went on because just about every time we would go there we would see these tiny mice running all around the place which was OK because it gave us a  story to tell David when we got home. So it became a ‘family’ joke where we would tell David after we’d come back home from errands:                                mousey ice cream

“Oh no, David!! We forgot to pick you up some Mousey Ice Cream at Heckinger’s!!”

 

So David lived from 1984 – 2001 and he was happy and well-loved. I like to think he’s in Cat Heaven serving up triple dip mousey ice cream to all his mates. “)

 

 

Daily Prompt: Quote

Writing Assignment: Do you have a favourite quote that you return to again and again? What is it, and why does it move you?

Since I was a poet long before I was anything else of substance (I wrote my first poem at age 7) words mean a lot to me. Words are powerful. I have written many poems about words but today TPTB (the powers that be) are asking for a quote and although many come to mind the one that I seem to re-visit over and over in the past 30+ years is by Henry David Thoreau:

I am the different drummer.(inclusified version)

I remember the first time I read that quote, I was 27 and I was in a diaconate programme and the Reverend was displeased with something I was doing in my personal life outside the ministry and so during a lesson some papers were being handed out and along with my paper I was also handed that quote on a piece of paper with a picture of what looked like a little drummer child walking away from a crowd. It was the Reverend’s way of telling me her unsolicited (personal) opinion but I took it as a sign and left the programme. Kind of stupid you might think but really it was the best thing I ever did because I could have never survived with any group who chastised people from being who they really are and in the same way “The Doctor” says he’s “A Madman With A Box”, I am definitely “The Different Drummer”. Heh, that has even, over the years, been a by-line I have used.

Wouldn’t it be great if everyone would just encourage each other to just simply be themselves, to march/dance/run to their own BOOM BOOM out of acceptance of diversity, not exclusion due to it.

EOT

Daily Prompt: Mix-Tape 12-11-12

Put together a a musical playlist of songs that describe your life, including what you hope your future entails. 

Odd that the day I came back online having decided my new post would be about the songs I feel

deepest in my soul that the daily mixtape2prompt would be as such.   GMTA? Perhaps..

So what I will do is combine the two ideas and put all the songs that at some point really
touched me and you can be sure if it’s on the playlist, I’ve felt it, (some songs deeper than
was comfortable)   So without further adieu:
**actually there was much further adieu since this is now 2 days late due to connectivity issues.
So NOW…

Daily Prompt: IMHO —- Pay to Go!

Is it just me or does the number of states petitioning to secede from the U.S. grown since it hit the press that the state of Louisiana were petitioning to secede?

I was over at We The People website and I know I counted over 15 states requesting to “Peaceably secede from the union”. I’m not going to go into how many signatures these petitions have because you can go there and see for yourself. I had already been thinking about writing something about this flood of exodus requests then I found this one petition which pretty much could have been written by myself so let me share it with you.

WE PETITION THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TO:

Force all states to pay their portion of the national debt before they can secede from the union

Residents of all states who wish to secede from the union should be required to take their own advice about ‘personal responsibility’, and pay their share of the national debt before being released to fend for themselves.

This debt must be paid in full, or they cannot leave.

This means no federal assistance, period.

Abridged list includes no more upkeep for highways, nor for interstates or bridges, no federally funded law enforcement or fire department, no public libraries, no phone lines, no cable television, no cell phone towers, no power grids, no water lines, no mail services, no paramedics, no hospitals which accept Medicare/Medicaid funding, no ATF, FBI, DOJ, SWAT, or Department of Homeland Security, no Border Guard, National Guard, Coast Guard, Corps of Engineers, or WITSEC.

Created: Nov 13, 2012

SIGNATURES NEEDED BY DECEMBER 13, 2012 TO REACH GOAL OF 25,000 = 19,266

TOTAL SIGNATURES ON THIS PETITION = 5,734

You can sign this petition here as I did.  Conditions of Seceding from the Union .

I really couldn’t have put it better than the author of this petition did.

The states of Louisiana, Arkansas, South Carolina, Georgia, Missouri, Tennessee, Michigan, New York, Colorado, Oregon, New Jersey, North Dakota, Montana, Indiana, Mississippi, Kentucky, Florida, North Carolina, Alabama and Texas are unhappy that the US is in such serious debt, that our President is black, that democrats are empower rather than republicans so they want to pick up all their toys and leave. Problem with that especially in my home state of Texas is that since 1870 they have been fine with sharing in the perks of being a US Citizen. Medicare/Medicaid, Social Security, Grants, Scholarships, Armed Forces Protection, etc. But now they are wanting out and I think it’s a good idea to force these states (all) to pay a percentage of the deficit to leave. I’m not just picking on Texas, (believe me as a Texan I’ve done the research and they do have a “purty dang” logical sounding case for secession, only problem is that  in the 1869 case of Texas v. White, US Supreme Court it was ruled that the secession of Texas from the United States was illegal. The court wrote, “The Constitution, in all its provisions, looks to an Indestructible Union, composed of indestructible states.

Now I know that those wanting to secede also have been quoting the Declaration of Independence in which it says: “‘Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and institute new Government.’”

If you buy a house, sign a legal document you must pay for what you have used, you can’t just suddenly be tired of paying and keep the house or car. That’s a lousy example I know but that is because a house loan is two-sided, you pay for the ability to own the house, or car, etc..  If you fail to pay they take them away. So why wouldn’t the U.S. government expect states who petition (and have the numbers behind them) to leave the union be required to pay back into the National Debt that they helped create? Sounds perfectly rational to me that states should be held to a fiscal responsibility before jumping the ship.

So as a born and raised TEXAN who has been living in Louisiana the past 10 years, I think TEXAS  doesn’t have the numbers (resident population wise) to secede and even if so what is this teaching our children about responsibility and duty to their country of origin? I grew up an American and I feel that what ever country a person is born to, is where they are (for lack of a better word and a strong number of late night brain cells) STUCK! Believe me I grew up wishing I could be British – I relate better to their humour and have always felt like a lost child of the U.K  but, no, BUT  I was born an American and I own that, I inherited that from those Irish folk that came here on the ship and docked in Missouri and started having little American babies.

There are many things about our country I would change if I ran it, DOMA would be a goner for one, and treatment of Seniors (over 65) would be MUCH improved. But I will not just pick up my toys and leave the US even if California becomes The Country of Gaylifornia and all the pretty girls move there! *smiles*

Oh boy, I’m going tangentially badly now… This has been my opinion. Your mileage may vary, so to speak.

EOT.

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