If I Could….

I wish I had this.

I wish I’d been given a different life.

I might of made different choices, If I had a different childhood. However here I am, an old grumpy dyke with little if any friends anywhere who has the most noble of intentions, who loves helping people, but sadly, also bears the burden of having the biggest mouth with the shortest fuse of anyone I know. I wish I could erasedifferentlife the past be someone different, be… like everyone, straight, married, cookie cutter childhood, a mum and a dad I see live to turn 90 stay married. You see those types in photos on Facebook, I know those types, parents still married, married themselves, working, running companies, having babies, raising kids. I wouldn’t need brothers to love and accept me for who I am because I would be like everyone else, I’d be like them. I’d wear dresses, makeup, be the good baptist old lady my mamaw was. I wouldn’t be full of rage because of what my life started out with, has been or is now. No deaths, no molestation, no being queer, odd, a an outcast, no one laughing at me in school, or starting fights I always ending up being blamed for because I’d be a normal A/B student/athlete/cheerleader/math-geek rather than growing up a dyke in a southern baptist family. Here I am 55 basically a shut-in except the job I love more than anything yet am losing grasp on. I want a do-over God! Or some strong drugs to shut down the unbearable mind talk that is going to cost me everything. If I lose the only normality I have, it will win. The horror of a childhood I had. The strength and bravery it took me to get from ages 12-21-55 will be for nothing. I need a solution, therapy, something, before it is all too late. Maybe if I tore my tongue out and wore blinders but then I would destroy my livelihood, you can’t do customer service if you can’t talk, or see.

Everyday I pray I can keep my mouth shut, stay to myself so none of those who will daily gossip and laugh about how different I am, or lie about something I didn’t do or say will not be in my earshot, or in my eyesight. I so easily get angered by the haters, the ones who judge me by my looks, my age, my orientation.

Or maybe I should open up, let people in, show who I want to be rather than who I’ve been.

One of the first songs I ever really loved was a song from HR Puff-n-Stuff. It was called,  “If I could”. The lyrics went:

If I could, I would be ... 
A balloon that a little kid let go 
Floating through the sky, 
flying free, If I could ... 

If I could, I would be ... 
A giraffe, with my head above the trees 
so at big parades 
I could see, If I could ... 

Jump on one, and two, and three ... Choose to chase a busy bumble bee.
Fire on the mountain, run and see if I'm a fool 

Lady, lady, turn around Lady, lady, turn and touch the ground.. 
Yankee Doodle went to town, and I'll be late for school! 

If I could, I would be ... 
Old & wise, knowing all there is to know 
Then I'd answer right every time, If I could. 

If I could, I would be ... 
A balloon that a little kid let go 
Floating through the sky, 
flying free, If I could ...
video
[If I Could - YouTube video]

and not much has changed I still often wish for a different life. 
'Cept I've lost my innocence a bit I'd say.

[Talk Show Host by Radiohead on YouTube]

Days have passed... finis for now....
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