If I Could….

I wish I had this.

I wish I’d been given a different life.

I might of made different choices, If I had a different childhood. However here I am, an old grumpy dyke with little if any friends anywhere who has the most noble of intentions, who loves helping people, but sadly, also bears the burden of having the biggest mouth with the shortest fuse of anyone I know. I wish I could erasedifferentlife the past be someone different, be… like everyone, straight, married, cookie cutter childhood, a mum and a dad I see live to turn 90 stay married. You see those types in photos on Facebook, I know those types, parents still married, married themselves, working, running companies, having babies, raising kids. I wouldn’t need brothers to love and accept me for who I am because I would be like everyone else, I’d be like them. I’d wear dresses, makeup, be the good baptist old lady my mamaw was. I wouldn’t be full of rage because of what my life started out with, has been or is now. No deaths, no molestation, no being queer, odd, a an outcast, no one laughing at me in school, or starting fights I always ending up being blamed for because I’d be a normal A/B student/athlete/cheerleader/math-geek rather than growing up a dyke in a southern baptist family. Here I am 55 basically a shut-in except the job I love more than anything yet am losing grasp on. I want a do-over God! Or some strong drugs to shut down the unbearable mind talk that is going to cost me everything. If I lose the only normality I have, it will win. The horror of a childhood I had. The strength and bravery it took me to get from ages 12-21-55 will be for nothing. I need a solution, therapy, something, before it is all too late. Maybe if I tore my tongue out and wore blinders but then I would destroy my livelihood, you can’t do customer service if you can’t talk, or see.

Everyday I pray I can keep my mouth shut, stay to myself so none of those who will daily gossip and laugh about how different I am, or lie about something I didn’t do or say will not be in my earshot, or in my eyesight. I so easily get angered by the haters, the ones who judge me by my looks, my age, my orientation.

Or maybe I should open up, let people in, show who I want to be rather than who I’ve been.

One of the first songs I ever really loved was a song from HR Puff-n-Stuff. It was called,  “If I could”. The lyrics went:

If I could, I would be ... 
A balloon that a little kid let go 
Floating through the sky, 
flying free, If I could ... 

If I could, I would be ... 
A giraffe, with my head above the trees 
so at big parades 
I could see, If I could ... 

Jump on one, and two, and three ... Choose to chase a busy bumble bee.
Fire on the mountain, run and see if I'm a fool 

Lady, lady, turn around Lady, lady, turn and touch the ground.. 
Yankee Doodle went to town, and I'll be late for school! 

If I could, I would be ... 
Old & wise, knowing all there is to know 
Then I'd answer right every time, If I could. 

If I could, I would be ... 
A balloon that a little kid let go 
Floating through the sky, 
flying free, If I could ...
[If I Could - YouTube video]

and not much has changed I still often wish for a different life. 
'Cept I've lost my innocence a bit I'd say.

[Talk Show Host by Radiohead on YouTube]

Days have passed... finis for now....

Netflix cancels Gypsy

OMG, Netflix!!! This really was the last straw for me.  I’ve had Netflix almost 10 years and I am running out of reasons to watch it other than OITNB. I liked gypsy very much. It was clever, intense, suspenseful and very adult, not to mention the great music.  Netflix needs to stop catering to the 20-30 year age group so much or the moral majority.   I think I’m done though anyway. Just so disappointed…. 😦

Oh btw, please sign this petition!

I’ll leave you with this:



Day in the life (1)

So today I got home earlier than I have in a very long time. Got to sit down with Jennifer who’ve I’ve not seen in weeks. We’re eating out tomorrow after work which should be fun (omg what should I wear??) and give us time to catch up. Then I opened up Amazon packages upstairs which was cool because some of them I forgot what I bought so SURPRISE!! lol — now I’m just chilln with Athena and Basil. It was an OK day albeit I definitely was glad I made myself leave early and come directly (never straight) home. Now I’m going to watch Magicians.

</end oversharing>

New Year, Same Old Memory…

I got these in the mail today. Invoice says I ordered them. I’ve no idea what they are.


Thanksgiving 2016

So today is Thanksgiving. First one in 12 years I’ve spent alone. Just me, my new car note and a Jeep full of boxes. I should be scared and miserable but see it’s also the time of year when I’m more reflective on the year behind me and dreaming for a better year to come. And actually I’m feeling a little hopeful and excited for the changes upon me.  I did kind of think 2016 would be fantastic because, not a lot of people know this, but 16 is my lucky number. Of course if this year showed me anything, it’s that I might need a new lucky number.   😀    No seriously, one thing I actually was reminded of in 2016 is that strength is not something anyone can give you, support sure, but strength really does come from within. People can advise you for years when to say ENOUGH is ENOUGH but you have to pull out the words from within even though you know it’s going to totally change your future life.

For me, watching other people be strong this year has made me feel braver, helped me find my courage,  my strength, maybe even made me more confident. There’s a horde of strong ass folks here in Louisiana and they’re truly inspiring!! I honestly owe the most gratitude to my job, my co workers and especially my 2 bosses who both lost their homes in the flood. Together, without even knowing they have showed me how grace under pressure looks (something I lack usually) and are a super-team mixture of compassion, knowledge, enthusiasm and strength. I admire those qualities and they make me grateful for my job all the more while I go through my current hard times. So today,  I’m thankful for my Turkey cold-cuts, my leftover potato salad & sweet potato pecan pie some of my coworkers made, my 4 days off in a row (even if I won’t leave my room to avoid more house-mate drama) and mostly (last but never least) God who makes all things better.

Happy Thanksgiving 2016 from this long winded old dyke to everyone!

lyrics i love #1

Hate me when I’m gone
I’ll make it worth your while when I’m successful
But when I’m here I need your kindness
’cause the climb is always stressful
Clumsily gassed myself by thinking I’ll be better off alone
I’ll leave my peace in pieces
all around the decent people back at home

Cause I’m a big boy an adult now or nearly
If I pull the wool back from my eyes I can see clearly
The world is at my feet and I am standing on the ceiling
And I fall, fall, fall, when it all comes down
And I won’t be crushed by the weight of this town
I fall from the sky but I won’t fall forever
I fall but when I’ll rise, I’ll be stronger than ever

Official man, delusions grand and now I’m a free agent
I’m here to make a stand for causes I don’t understand
and make a statement
I fall short on knowledge
I don’t even watch the news
Can’t be arsed with college
it’s nothing but a human zoo

Cause I’m a big boy an adult now or nearly
If I pull the wool back from my eyes I can see clearly
The world is at my feet and I am standing on the ceiling
And I fall, fall, fall, when it all comes down
And I won’t be crushed by the weight of this town
I fall from the sky but I won’t fall forever
I fall but when I’ll rise I’ll be stronger than ever

I’m not defeated
I believe that I can turn this ship around
Destroy the status quo
Until I know I found a common ground
I’m not alone, I’m just focused in my zone
This is easy
I’m fine
I just need time to turn this into home
I’m good, believe me

Believe me when I say I’m gonna be
Big explosions crack through thunderous mountains
Hearts exploding, minds, volcanoes pop and blow
I’m not alone, I’m not alone
Who am I kidding? I’m sad, no ideas coming
It’s driving me mad and I’m fighting it
It’s turning me bad
I’m loaded, pages taking me over
I just wanna be home
with all my friends and family, mum and dad
it’s closing in on me
I need recovery coming home
I’m coming home
and I need closure, I need closure

Cause I’m a big boy an adult now or nearly
If I pull the wool back from my eyes I can see clearly
The world is at my feet and I am standing on the ceiling
And I fall, fall, fall, when it all comes down
And I won’t be crushed by the weight of this town
I fall from the sky but I won’t fall forever
I fall but when I’ll rise I’ll be stronger than ever.



So yesterday I finally    turned 54 its funny though because I spent the first part of 2015 thinking I was already 54. Jennifer laughs at me about it, but that’s okay, it is kind of funny…

It was different having to work on my birthday. That’s something I’m not used to doing. Definitely not the easy/slow day at work I was expecting.. It wasn’t so much busy as it was filled with people who we’re rushing to get that eye exam or prophy done before January 1st. It seems a lot of people cancel/change their policies effective 1/1 which makes for more calls and more anxious callers.

Finally lunch came and I was very happy about that. I made a couple of burritos and I ate them in my truck with the window rolled down and it was nice. The cold is nice, no it’s refreshing. I spend more than half the year waiting for it that smell of a fireplace burning and that cold fresh air that jumps down your throat when you breathe in like it was saying let me in, breathe me in, I’ll make you feel better! So it was a nice hour, it was a nice birthday lunch, good weather and that thing I love so much, being alone. I enjoy my own company, always have.

When I came back inside one of the crazy girls I work with had decorated my desk. They seem to do that a lot in this company.


Later in the day they gave me a card with a whole lot of people wishing me happy birthday. I had to admit that was one of the highlights of the entire day I like seeing all the people who signed it and what they said I don’t know, it was just cool, it made me feel good! Everyone was in good cheer because  the owners of the company decided to close at 5 p.m. rather than 7 p.m. [of course I get off daily at 4:30 p.m.] lol


After work I met Jennifer and we went to get something to eat. I was pretty proud of myself because the past 3 or 4 years I haven’t got out on my birthday. I just stayed home enjoy my own company but I have to admit to being a little lonely, I guess. This year I called up Jennifer and I said let’s just go get something to eat I don’t want to be alone on my birthday I think she was a little shocked because I’m not very sociable I guess everybody who knows me  even a little, knows that. We went to eat at Golden Corral because they really have great steaks there and you can eat all you want and what I wanted was steaks with those huge steamed button mushrooms so we found a little table for two in the corner. I don’t know it – it made me feel secure, kind of set apart from the multitude of people that were there with their screaming kids, who inevitably were carrying their food around with the sole objective of bumping into me.. I was good though, I was tucked in that corner and I open my gifts there just me and Jennifer. My brother has sent me a card and Jennifer brought it along when we met so I’m sitting at the table listening to cats and dogs serenade me happy birthday it was it loud, and it was funny and I laughed and smiled and it felt good. And Jennifer gave me three wrapped presents, two really cool t-shirts and a stuffed elephant. [because I’m real sucker for an elephant.]


So by the time we finished eating and I know we had to be there for a couple of hours just chatting I decided that I was ready to go home no movies no parties, just me and Jennifer sitting on her bed in her room watching Dark Matter and having the dogs attack us and try to lick our faces.. That’s just really what I wanted to do.  and I really appreciate, thanks. I’m greatly blessed to have so many people who care!!

So thanks for all the birthday wishes…

“Good times”, as Dalton is known to say.


Judging Amy: My Response to “Ask Amy”

I know there was a show called that. But that isn’t what I’m writing about today. I read an article recently entitled:

“The Most Amazing ‘Ask Amy’ Response You’ll Ever Read” @ http://tinyurl.com/A-DAarticle

The comments were just about 97% in favour of getting the noose out and stringing up the “horrible sad sister” who wrote in for the advice. Only a couple of us commenters had a differing view. Of course we were instantly re-classified as Trolls for disagreeing with the masses. I read the article differently than most obviously because I immediately wondered why Wendy would want to be included, how she felt she would fit in, why she would want to fit in. See, my brother is the polar opposite of me. Yuppie, Conservative Christian and a Republican to boot. I wouldn’t fit in any more with his group of friends than he would with mine. If he judges me I just shake it off because he’s got a right to how he feels.  Family doesn’t mean siblings have to walk the same path, or be joined at the hip, or even hang out. Family will love you despite their or your failings, belief system, religion, or lack thereof, because real family can’t turn each other away. My brother has helped me so much. Whenever I have been in need he’s there. But I know him, and I know how different we are (not a good vs bad difference). I’d never want to hang out with my brother’s friends, and visa-versa. we fight, make up and I am 100% sure my brother loves me, but I don’t need his approval, his lifestyle advice or to adopt his beliefs. I just need to know he loves me. And I do.

So while I see how this situation can hurt both Wendy who feels unwanted and her sister who feel misunderstood, my real problem is with Amy Dickinson aka “Ask Amy” and her response in this matter. Once I got past the sad sister’s question into the response I really felt that “Ask Amy” seemed awfully “judge-y”. She didn’t know Wendy or details of the two sister’s past relationship so in a way she did a dis-service to all her readers by not suggesting communication and reaffirmation of the sisters love for one another. After all they say with love and communication everything is possible.

I’m not what you would call religious, spiritual yes. But in the past I did my fair share of bible study and if you want to talk true Christianity which is all about loving your fellow human, then we can. Look at what “Ask Amy” wrote, and think about what she could have written.

In one of my comments, I made a statement that wasn’t very well received but I’m not a “Best selling author, nationally syndicated advice columnist or an NPR contributor”. I’m just person who believes advising and being judgmental are two different things. I commented:

“It will be the “pot stirrers” like this columnist in end times who’ll preach Shame, Hatred and Judgement of each other who will turn brother against sister, etc. You won’t find me blindly following that. Will you be?”

Pretty dramatic statement and harsh, I know.  But honestly, as a writer myself, and a Christian (not to mention an adult) reading Ask Amy’s advice, er reply I had inner alarms going off inside. Isn’t this an advice column? I just don’t see that in Ask Amy’s response. What I see is an immature and mostly baseless inference (due to the lack of real details, history and both sides of the story) from the pen of someone who seems alright with proliferating the tension and drama between others.

Think about it…

For an online publication (https://aplus.com) that has a slogan of “Positive Journalism” Ask Amy’s advice that began with, “First, let’s establish that I agree with your sister: You are a horrible person.” wasn’t as much advice, (or positive) as it was a public lynching with the commenters carrying her torch.



Kids React To Marrige Equaity

I watched this video today that was pre-meq* with kids reactions. It was really great and here it is.

*pre- marriage equality

Happy St. Paddy’s!!!

Here are my favourite Irish poems:

That Actor Kiss
by Michael Hartnett

I kissed my father as he lay in bed
in the ward. Nurses walked on soles of sleep
and old men argued with themselves all day.
The seven decades locked inside his head
congealed into a timeless leaking heap,
the painter lost his sense of all but grey.
That actor kiss fell down a shaft too deep
to send back echoes that I would have prized—
‘29 was’ 41 was ‘84,*
all one in his kaleidoscopic eyes
(he willed to me his bitterness and thirst,
his cold ability to close a door).
Later, over a drink, I realised
that was our last kiss and, alas, our first.

———————died 3 Oct 1984

Taken from Collected Poems 2001 Gallery Press- (Collection reprinted 2009)

*’29 year of death of Michael’s Grandfather- ’41 year of Michael’s birth- ’84 year of his fathers death.

‘When all the others were away at Mass’
by Seamus Heaney

When all the others were away at Mass
I was all hers as we peeled potatoes.
They broke the silence, let fall one by one
Like solder weeping off the soldering iron:
Cold comforts set between us, things to share
Gleaming in a bucket of clean water.
And again let fall. Little pleasant splashes
From each other’s work would bring us to our senses.

So while the parish priest at her bedside
Went hammer and tongs at the prayers for the dying
And some were responding and some crying
I remembered her head bent towards my head,
Her breath in mine, our fluent dipping knives–
Never closer the whole rest of our lives.

From New Selected Poems 1966-1987 © Estate of Seamus Heaney

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